The Red Flags

 Maybe I thought it was a fun carnival....but years passed and i learned those red flags meant something and I turned the other cheek. 

We talked about me growing up boy crazy always wishing I was the girl boys wanted. I think looking back, that made me desperate for that love and attention to feel adored by a man. But where was it coming from if I grew up with the most loving parents? So let's remember this need to be loved by someone, validated by someone and just overall wanted and chosen. 

When I began dating Max, he was my first everything. I fell for this very good looking man so quickly. He made me feel good, I was completely tunneled vision into everything he was and represented. At the time, he had gone through his personal hardships but he came out of it with a strong testimony of God and chose to be baptized. I fell for the "bad boy" who met Jesus and changed. He liked me? what! A guy this hot wanted ME?! sold. 

While dating, red flags popped up. The first big one being after attending the zoo we went to wal mart to get some school supplies for him and we ran into his mom. For some reason, that triggered him because he began to walk ahead of me to where I felt like I was chasing him. I immediately felt his shift and felt him get angry. Without explanation. I remember I did not like this at all. I don't remember how that got resolved. But then another instance, we went to meet his dad who hardly had a relationship with his kids, at joe farm grill at 4pm. I remember his little sister Wanda set it up for 4pm but Max got off work at 4. With showering, changing and coming for me, we didn't get to Joes farm grill till after 5 and everyone was already finishing up their meal. Max flipped out when we arrived and before i could even sit down to say Hi, he was cussing and yelling at his sister and the words "i'll kill you!" came out of his mouth as he stormed off angry. I remember staring at his sisters stunned and speechless as I simply followed Max. I drove him home in silence and upon pulling up to his house I remember saying something about "I can't do that, that's not okay" and he slammed my door "cool". ANGER ANGER ANGER!! RUN DARLENE!!...but of course i didn't. 

This is the part where empathy really screwed me over. I completely rationalized his behavior for him and made excuses for why he acted out. I know he loves his dad and was looking forward to seeing him, so him missing out on that time really upset him and he reacted out in anger. I forgave him. I loved him. God, I loved this man with my entire heart. 

Let's see, what other red flags. Oh yeah, his mom telling me i'm a good girl and that her son isn't nice. She said I know how to talk to people, that im a good girl and then in tears told me she knows her son is angry. She teared up recalling a moment years back where he would yell and cuss at her and pushed her. How he would fight awfully with his sisters and they'd call the police on him. How he would also fight with his little brother. Another warning came from his sisters. One of them spoke up when we were engaged and said "Are you sure you want to marry my brother? He's got a lot of anger". My answer? "he's changed. He is LDS now. he has a testimony. he's so good." I protected him because I fell in love with THAT man. the one who had a wonderful testimony of God and was so good. So loving telling me sweet things like "you fit so perfectly in my arms". Only to years later be told by this same man that my body post babies was disgusting, I have saggy boobs, my gut hangs over my fupa with nasty stretch marks, that i have no butt and have triple chins and his favorite, he called me jaba the hut. HA!

Let's see another red flag...oh, when we began dating his ex girlfriend straight up told me "im scared for you". You see, she dated him for 2 years and it ended with her dad placing a restraining order to protect his daughter from Max. She told me she was scared for me. My response? she's jealous and doesn't know this new max that had changed and met Jesus. I was protecting my boyfriend like i should. 

What else, what else. Oh yeah, we made a trip to california to see my cousins graduate high school and he left his cell phone behind. I saw a text message of him telling his friend he had been smoking weed and drinking and it shattered me cause here i was dating this newly baptized man who used to smoke and party,...he couldn't possibly be still doing all that. When i confronted him, he told me he lied to dakota cause he was embarassed about "changing too much" and didn't want to be all mormon to him. Man pride? i get it. So i believed him. LOL cause years later pregnant with our second son i found out he had been smoking weed in our garage. To each their own, but it was a boundary. But in the beginning? i believed him. 

There were lots of little fights. He mentioned while trying to hike Muir woods that his friends made fun of my name that he was dating someone named "darlene". That they made fun of how i look but he would stand up for me and how amazing I was. Like cool. i'm already insecure. Now you're telling me your friends make fun of my name and how i look? why? cause a guy as good looking as you shouldn't be with someone who looks like me? HA!!!! just wait until you see how THIS came back around to completley destroy my self confidence. 

Looking back, i dismissed a lot in the name of being in love and standing up for the bad boy that had changed. So many little things built up. but it was my first relationship. We worked it out. I was madly in love with him. He made me happy. He was so handsome. He wanted ME! me!! I didn't know any better. He was my first everything so i just kept on learning how to be in a relationship for my first time. Not realizing, I was about to enter into the most fucked up narcissistic abusive relationship and marriage that has me now as a 34 year old STILL in therapy. hi.!